Abuelita

Hello. I write this from Quito, the capital city. We are here for several days on our way out of Ecuador. What an amazing journey this has been! The deep deep healing for myself, my children, and my family line is worth about 10 years in therapy and I am so incredibly thankful for it. Then the visions, so astounding in their embodied colour and vibration and light, so rich in organising this life's purpose, so enormous in seeing the dreams of our new earth! It will take some time to integrate and share them - poco a poco - little by little they will bubble forth from the interior. Two of the lessons I would like to share tonight.

volcano goddess Pele Honu

The first is that of the love of the father. Miguel, in his teachings during ceremony, spoke often of the love of the father. Ayahuasca is known by many names including Natem and the vine of death, and it is also known as the father. We have many ideas about fathers, and what a fathers love can or should be, which vary widely culturally. In our present time many people also refer to concepts of god as a heavenly father. And for my little family father issues have been huge of late. With the passing of my dad 1.5 years ago and the reorganisation of my marital status 2 years ago we've had alot of soil to till so that fresh seeds could be planted. My father was not the most present nor the most kind person in my younger years, and it was in his later life when he came into his own deep healing and sought to change the inheritance he left his children. He became terminally ill in 2002 and this was his ultimate salvation. Freed from work and other responsibilities he began to volunteer in the community and set portions of his life enrgetically right. This included work memorialising fallen Vietnam soldiers and deepening his relationship to his faith through taking an active role in his church. It was also at this time that he began to meditate, going on long deep personal journeys, and to speak on the power of forgiveness. Involved in my own upheaval and managing two young children, I didn't have the space to listen to him deeply then, but I did take note. And now, today, I begin to understand his late obsession with forgiveness.

When we have gratitude for the life we have been given all that was once seen as negative becomes a blessing. Gratitude is the alchemical intervention which shifts us out of the script we were handed and allows us to take full responsibility for our lives-thus becoming co creators. We see that our very own soul has been guiding us all along. The love of the father is a gift of thankfulness which both protects and strengthens us so we may live in freedom. As my own children now begin to address their own concerns with their father the best gift I can give them is to be thankful for their lives, their curiosity, their incredible resilience and love. As I become the mother-father figure I am called to be I find the strength of all my fathers, both mortal and spiritual, there to lift me up, to raise me on eagle's wings so that the curses of generations past become blessings for generations now onward. In my recent jungle quest I find the father to be a steady speaker of truth, a giver of wisdom and grace, and a massive hug from every direction. It's not as cozy as a mothers nurturance, yet in this love I can stand up tall and do everything I need to do.

Andean women

The second lesson is the love of the mother. Here in the jungle I experience her and I become abuelita. Abuelita is the one who looks sideways down..faceless..without ego. She is the one walks out of the picture frame with flowing grace..who holds baskets of fruits and vegetables while quietly singing to the mountains. She has seen the horrors and the wonders of the world dancing together in harmony, and she surrenders. Like the great she who is Latin America, she gives an enormous amount of abundance and passion, and she expects an honest heart in return. She will not save you from life's pain, she will ask rather that you let it wash through you, adding a deeper resonance to the song which is your being. She will want to hear your song with all her heart and will quietly wait for the day in which it springs from your heart unique and fully formed. She accepts nothing nothing less than your authenticity shrouded in a shawl of humble glory. She embodies peace.

In my journeys with abuelita this summer here in Ecuador I lay down by the river and weep. I sing out a strange pentatonic song and find that it becomes the chorus of angels. I let go of my own bones and become a vessel of earth, a vase upon a spinning wheel painted with quiet power and the bright colours of earths people at work and play. After a long while in stillness, I dance through my new bones, she dances me.

an abuelita

May the love of the mother-father fill your lungs with grace, your feet with assurance, and your eyes with clarity. I wish this blessing for each one of you, for this life which is me, and for my children. I wish this blessing for all beings on the planet. Inside such a structure - peace and happiness have room to play. Thus is beauty born.

(posted-sent from my beautiful hostel via cellular phone.) Xx