Dreams

Since I've been back there are these moments, moments when I am for a breath once again in Ecuador, looking through my eyes onto the places and people there.  These moments disconcert me, for they help me to realise how fast we forget, how in-the-now we can be in the spaces we inhabit.  Looking at photographs, this does not bring me back viscerally to the teachings and the qualities and the senses of my being-as-it-was there.  The photographs of my trip, while beautiful, just don't capture the realness, the liveness of any of it.  It is smells and conversations and ruptures in space which take me away, only to wake up here again 15 seconds later in a state of shock.  I am finding that the integration is coming in waves of rhythm.  

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My relationship to sound and music has completely changed, new music is finding its way into my home and coming into my dreams.  The musical patterns flow through my brain and my body differently, I can see them as well as feel them, and I cannot stop dancing.  Music is all the time!  It is everything, the birds, the wind, voices, chimes, bells, bass lines, these are my favourite musics.  Party music too, funk and soul and swing and jazz and so much great techno too.  The rhythms of my life as well....quiet grounding pure high energy at my home in Cambridge and then I go into London and experience the waves of the city in ever expanding and sometimes harsh bursts.  
Last week as I was sitting in a cafe studying, wave upon wave of emotion swept through me.  Another girl was studying at the table with me, a drama student, and we were just angels for each other, talking about our fields and life in London and sharing amazement at the activities of the space....people suffering and needing help, like passing out on the floor and coming in with blood running down their face and stuff, and beautiful people there sharing intimate conversation and being real and heavenly.  

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I've painted and done charcoal drawings and spent days in the library since I've been back in the Uk, and there is lots of artistic drive present.  I'm also just now getting tired a bit.  The beauty of being back, of having good public transportation and public swimming pools and food from every corner of the planet, of finding home and friends again, it is unravelling at the edges now and I am faced once again with myself, a little star in the midst of all that is.  
I begin to wonder things like, where do we find meaning in our lives, which moments are the ones which imprint and stick with us the most, who am I resonating toward and how best to navigate these new rivers of relationships, what do I ever really have to do, where is the most powerful witness?  I don't feel like dividing into paragraphs, laying out thoughts classified and organised by topic, or getting anywhere particularly fast.  I do feel like running joyfully for the hell of it, streaming thought and inspiration through any artistic formats available to me, loving deeply freely and abundantly.  I know the intimacy of myself as a woman now too.  Ayahuasca has that effect.  It is not my biology, it is the way I perceive and sense and respond to the world within me.  It is just womanly.  

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I titled this post dreams, because I've been trying to write about dreaming for two weeks now.  I have several draft posts, and they just don't come out right.  So, I'm leaving the title, knowing all of this reality is a beautiful dream, and that somehow tonight I must have communicated something.  If it helps you or inspires you or causes you to reflect in any way then it is a worthwhile post.  I leave you in peace dear brothers and sisters, and go off to the kitchen to make some yummy cheese toast now.  Selam!

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